Battle Beyond the Stars ( A bear's-eye view of the "PALLAS-AS-F***" Eurotour 2002)

PART THREE

RECAP: In the last episode, Cubby "the Dude" Kirk and his crew had thrown off the shackles of Federation conformity to become free spirits on the road of life.. The now-renamed starship "Totally Wasted" is rampaging across the galaxy in search of new audiences and a good time...


EPISODE 6: THE SHADES OF DEEP PURPLE ( AKA Ring-Wraiths don't wear black)

It's, like, Wednesday again, man (Mike says yesterday was Tuesday, but like,who cares)

We're back in the German quadrant at Aschaffenburg. We had to leave the TW in a high orbit and take a shuttle planetside until we can get clearance to take the ship closer. Nice place.. very civilised, but with a healthy regard for the finer points of partying.. The Hobbit finds a Head shop, but manages to persuade me that now is not the time to take up large-scale herb cultivation on the holo-deck.. Number 1 discovers a gothic clothes shop where he parts with large numbers of the new federation credits to buy himself a large cloak and other stuff which I can't fathom, but which seem to be made of chain-mail and leather. He had that strange look in his eye when he retired to his cabin, which suggests he shouldn't be disturbed.

By this time Mike's negotiated a closer berth for the TW, and Bernie duly manoevres it into it's new home. It's the local brewery. We offer to trade the musicians' gear for a large tankerful of beer, but the band get wind of the plan and manage to put a stop to it before we can put it into action. Still, after all these years Mike's finally managed to pull off a piss-up in a brewery!!!

Local contact Markus, - obviously very closley connected to the dark arts - is very insistent that the boys play the Old dark rite of "Black Night". Despite having been driven to it last night by the Belgolites, the band aren't keen.. There's much muttering about demonic possession.. Niall in particular is raving that the spirit of the "Dark One" will come and get him...

Showtime - and it's another good crowd, who seem ready from the off. The Pallas have never visited this region before, but it's as if the good burgers of the Aschaff have anticipated their every move.. Owen - who has taken to sending the band words of encouragement from his station beside the guitars - has developed a whole encyclopedia of meaningful quotes to spur them on..

"Guitar as F***!", has been joined by "Riff as F***!", "DrumsasF***! and "Pallas as F***!"... The appearance of the new dictum "Ronnie as F***!" sees him claiming new ground on the other side of the stage. By now Number 1 has realised that inciting the crowd to chant and clap between numbers encourages the hobbit to dance (tho he occasionally looks in danger of collapse).

Encore time, and while the crowd bays for more, there's a heated discussion about whether to acceed to Markus' request for the "Dark Number". Just as they resign themselves to risking their souls one more time, Les resorts to piped music and the moment is lost. A lucky escape for Niall, who was seen searching for his Welsh hat and scowling at other band members.

We do a load more beer, before and after lift-off.. It's a long haul through the Forbidden Zone to Italia, so I leave Bernie and his deck-team in charge while I freebase toilet cleaner with some of the wilder elements of the crew..

Just one deep breath ....... ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!


EPISODE 7: THE SPAGHETTI INCIDENT (Dead men don't take photos)

No idea what day it is!!

It's a rough old journey out of the Forbidden Zone.. Italia is being buffetted by heavy space storms. We manage an uncomfortable transfer into a perimeter station to pick up some fresh supplies.. The locals in this sector take their food seriously, and even a transport station like this has freshly prepared food made right in front of you. No chance of a digital ratburger here!

supplemental...

GA Ga!! oogooooooooohhhh!! yeah!!

..supplemental..

While I've been out of it, the crew's got rigged and there's been a soundcheck of sorts.. Our local contact, Georgio, is ferrying us to more convivial surroundings for a meal.. things are looking up.
..supplemental...

.. and what a meal that was!!! I pigged out on fresh nut pasta and veal!! They even did that thing with the Hunny pots that I really like.. these guys know how to eat!!! - got to get the band back to the venue tho - seems they still have a gig to do

..supplemental..

That's what you call an INTERESTING evening.. One of the smaller turn-outs of the tour (The Pallas have never been here before), the audience here
seemed to prefer sitting in quiet reverence rather than getting to their feet in racous worship (like everywhere else). You could tell this was freaking the guys somewhat, especially as during the first number a large part of the keyboard and drum computer system suffered a total breakdown, leading to what Alan called the "jazz odyssey" interpratation of Cross and Crucible. The audience seemed rapt - smiling away manically while technical assistance was sought .. The hobbit even did his folk-singer bit,
with an impromptu acoustic guitar performance of the old spiritual "Jump" .

Finally back on track, the boys pulled out all the stops trying to get this lot their feet, with limited success. Only when they lleft the stage did those assembled throw caution to the winds and get sweaty down the front. After that there was no stopping them.. they clapped and sang loudly, showing more enthusiasm and commitment in the last few numbers than they had throughout the main set. Weird!! After that they rampaged through the merchandise stall, setting the tour record for highest buy per person!!! Sadly it seemd that Mike B's flash new visual tricorder had disappeared - presumed stolen.. But what can you do?!

After that there was nothing for it but to paaaarrtyy!!! Georgio had given us some free credit behind the bar.. Each tequila measured at least a quarter litre.. I showed Les a few things about gargling with the old Cactus juice.. the lightweight musicians were on rum!!!

No idea what time we slipped orbit... but it was lively on the TW that night.. Seems the Klingon had one cactus juice too many and rampaged through the lower deck leaving a trail of half-devoured food behind him. Niall was apparently wearing a roast chicken at one point, and it nearly came to blows... Bernie wasn't very impressed either... I don't feel very welll!


EPISODE 8: TOUGH LOVE ON THE TW

I awoke to find myself bound hand and foot.. I wasn't unduly concerned, as the two "special friends" I'd picked up a few days ago like to play rough, ... and I really dig dominant chicks...

But when the hood and satsuma were removed from my head, I found myself in front of a kangaroo court of crew and passengers. All were present - save for the Klingon who I learned was also later to face a similar "tribunal" . Seems "The Pallas" were concerned I was setting a bad example to all these impressionable young minds we were encountering.. No-one seemed impressed when I said it wasn't their minds I was interested in..

"Look Cubby!" said Wiz.. "We all like to have a good time, but this wastrel lifestyle of yours has to stop.. It's all drink, drugs and sex with you!! You're not even eating properly anymore!" I'd have floored the traitorous bastard there and then, but G.C. had my arms pinned back. The bastards had pulled an Aerosmith on me.. They wanted me to cut back on the booze, flush my stash down the toilet, and send the girls and the hamster home!!! It was either that or they were going to make me do the next Spock's Beard tour!!!!!

They sent me back to my cabin to think about it...

EPISODE 9: A NEW WORLD ORDER

Stardate 25:01:02 (Friday)

OK boys and girls, so I gave in.. What else was I gonna do?! I still had hopes that the guys would relent as long as I toned it down a bit..

Anyway.. in the meantime we'd arrived at our last point of call in the German quadrant. Karlsruhe is a wealthy system and we were expecting a warm welcome. We were not to be disappointed. For some reason tonight's venue was built entirely underground; So barring a full-scale Dominion assault, tonight's performance would be safe from outside interference.

Markus was here again.. and he was keen to know why the band hadn't enacted the "Dark Number".. the guys shuffled their feet and made vague promises, but I could tell that it would need a special audience to prise a performance from them.

And that's indeed what we had. Tales of their comptriots' preformance elsewhere had obviously filtered through to Karlsruhe from Essen and Aschaffenburg, and the crowd were keen to prove that they could be even louder and more enthusiastic. At one point it looked as though the crowd would peak before the set was half-done, but German stamina is not to be overlooked and they lasted all the way to the end.

And now the moment of truth.. An argument backstage as to whether they dare risk the "Dark Number". I tried to persuade them to do it, telling Niall we'd have an excorcist on hand in case the "Dark One" tried anything. They gave in, and for the second time Aberdeen's top Deep Purple tribute band took the stage!!!

Back on (decent) beer again (tho I'm going cold-turkey on the toilet cleaner, and I'd dropped Ingrid and Tatania off at the bus-station a few hours previously).. I'm curiously happy... I'd not noticed the smiles all around me for some time. This few.. this happy few.. and it's all over but for one more gig!!!

An early(ish) night for once


EPISODE 10: ENFIN MES AMIS

Stardate 26:01:02

Paris; mystical twin-city of the gas-giant London, which has nevertheless many disticntive qualities of its own...

With precise mathematical skill, our bridge team manoevred the complex gravitational fields of the system to drop orbit straight to the venue.

A local crew await us to help with load-in and rigging, making light work of the contents of the TW's hold. The band disperse for last-minute shopping and souvenir opportunities. Tommorrow they return to the dark wastes on the edge of civilisation, so the chance to stock up on relatively cheap french wines is not to be sniffed at.

Sooner or later it's show-time.. and off they go for the last time!!! But all is not well.. Re-rigging for the support band has meant that a coupleof crucial cables have not been replaced. As this concerns some of the computer-based timing and sound information, it looks like the band are on the verge of another Trezzo-style on-stage collapse. Graeme calls to Alan to vacate the stage amid a flurry of technicians.. but just as Pallas are about to quit till the technicals are sorted, then it all comes good and the
gig can continue!!!

Which is a good thing, because this audience is very much in the mood for an end of tour experience. They are loud, they are enthusiastic, they are French!!! All too soon the main set is over, but back they come for "Midas Touch" and "Cut and Run".. Alan returns with a French national football shirt for "Arrive Alive"... and the crew are all invited on-stage (apart from me - someone has to guard the merchandise stall) to take thanks for their part in this adventure. "sir" Les even gives the famous "Braveheart" salute, lifitng his kilt aloft to show what scotsmen wear (or not) underneath.

Again the band leave the stage.. although late, the audience will not leave..
At last - having bitten the (silver) bullet and wearing garlic, "Aberdeen's Top Deep Purple Tribute Band" (TM) make their way THROUGH the audience to take the stage one last time... And all the gods in their heavens cut their hair loose for a good old-fashioned headbang..

It's champagne all the way as the starship Tinky Winky heads back to Federation space - - the party aboard ship will continue until the alcohol runs out (possibly next Tuesday). The Pallas will come this way again.. and they will have our assistance and protection when they do so (hic)

EPILOGUE:

"The Pallas" were returned to their dim and distant part of the galaxy until such time as the call goes out once more for their particular brand of time-wasting. The crew of the Tinky Winky were dispersed to other ships in the fleet, lest thier brand of mutinous behaviour be repeated elsewhere. As for Cubby Kirk, he was busted down to sewage operative first class, and now cleans toilets aboard the Lexington. (His claims that "I will return" were dismissed as "deluded" by the Starfleet court martial) Bernie has now been promoted to Admiral for services above and beyond the call of duty.


A DOCTOR WRITES:

The small stuffed bear who calls himself "Cubby" is currently undergoing extensive psychiatric evaluation in a secure unit in Northern Scotland. His - admittedly elaborate - delusion that he is the commander of a starship is thought to be connected to his compound substance abuse - for which he is now being treated. However, in his more lucid moments he's provided information whic has led to the sectioning of several individuals thought dangerous to society at large. They too are being held at a number of secure psychiatric units across the country, until their (many) problems can be diagnosed.